I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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