So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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