I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
