i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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