So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
