theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
