The best revenge is premature balding
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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