captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
