I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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