remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
