theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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