it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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