Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
