We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize