just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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