My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
