im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
