I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My ATM looks so different sober.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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