I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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