so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
