i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
