so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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