a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
