So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
