3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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