I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The air was thick with penises
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
