My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
