I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
