During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
