Why is your signature on my underwear?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
