I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
