I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
