I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Of course I have a pirate flag
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
