On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
