goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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