Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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