i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
