How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
