If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
