Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
