It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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