Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
