i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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