Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
