Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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