I cannot find my penis.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
