Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you had me at cake vodka
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
