there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
