he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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