Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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