I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
