I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
