woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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