You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
