I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
well you can't waste a boner
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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