I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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